Jeff Pearlman Isn't Christian.

Thank God sports journalists provide sports fans with common sense.

Sports journalism is a dignified profession. Without sports journalism, we would have never gotten "The mighty Casey had struck out" or George Plimpton's hilarious account of being an NFL kicker.

We might never have had our minds enlightened by the poetry and grace of the likes of Jeff Pearlman, this week's Captain of the Frothing At The Mouth Anti-Barry Bonds Mongoloid Army.

Here is the quote that defines Barry Bonds in the zeitgeist (as Pearlman wants it to believe):

Barry Bonds is an evil man. A truly evil man. As a husband, he has cheated on both his wives. As a father, he has been absent and indifferent. As a role model, he has spit at autograph seekers and directed kids to "f--- off." As a Giant, he has held a franchise hostage and refused to help teammates in need. As a blatant abuser of steroids and human growth hormone, he has deprived the game of integrity and turned its record books into mush. For all of those transgressions (and the 1,241,971 others I'm leaving out), Bonds deserves to reincarnate as Buddy Biancalana. In drag.

I don't know anything about Jeff Pearlman, nor do I care to learn. But I'd venture to guess that if I wrote something like that about him, he'd have his attorney on the phone. But Pearlman's brazen assault is motivated not because of his tremendously pathetic and strangely vociferous disaffection for #25, but for this reason and this reason alone:

When "Game of Shadows" first hit the bookstores, I was, uh, not happy. It was released three weeks before [Pearlman's own book] "Love Me, Hate Me," and soared to the top of the New York Times' Best Sellers list. Fainaru-Wada and Williams were my rivals, and they presented me an old-school thumping.

Pearlman goes on to write that Bonds should "come clean" and admit that he caused the housing bubble to burst, ate babies, and was responsible for 9/11 in order to prevent Bonds' buddy Anderson and the "Game of Shadows" authors from going to prison. But Pearlman could give a rat's ass about who goes to prison.

Really, Pearlman wants Bonds to do this so that he can finally do something "selfless and righteous." The only righteousness going on here, however, is Pearlman's self-righteousness. Not only because of his grandstanding and slanderous anti-Bonds article, but because the act of Bonds confessing would prove the central thesis of HIS BOOK:

In promoting "Love Me, Hate Me: Barry Bonds and the Making of an Antihero," I've done my best to paint the portrait of a conflicted, misunderstood character; of a man who isn't always what he seems and who -- beneath the layers of hostility -- possesses a decent dose of humility. Was I lying in such efforts? Not at all. I honestly believed that, despite the hundreds of former teammates and friends who relayed stories of Bonds' monstrous disposition, there was some good.

Calling out Bonds to get him to confess would bolster your shitty book's sales, you fucking Hacky McHackMaster. And make no mistake about it:

Barry Bonds would sooner be a Dodger than read what you've written, Jeff Pearlman.

High Fidelity didn't make the Top 5, it IS the Top 5

Looking at my DVD shelf, I have a paltry number covering just 2 feet of shelf space. I mostly purchase TV DVDs so the movies I own must have an exceptional rewatchability factor for me to commit the 15 plus dollars to them. So inspired by High Fidelity to make everything a tangible, measurable, ranking I give you my Top 5 movies. My criteria is subject to change but it starts with here; Writing, Acting, ReWatchability, and its personal impact on me, your humble blogger. Things that keep a movie that I liked off the list; recent release and genre representation. Recent release is a personal check on enthusiasm, 40 year Old Virgin and Batman Begins are examples of movies I am more then a little gay for right now, but I need to another year or two to see if the love is real. Second, genre representation, is to keep similar movies from being compared to each other. "Oh you like Toy Story, A Bug's Life, and The Incredibles? Tell me how you rank them." is what I am trying to avoid.

1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Princess Bride
3. Reservoir Dogs
4. Breaking Away
5. L. A. Confidential

Honorable mentions include but are not limited to; High Fidelity, The Godfather Series (even 3), Batman Begins, Silent Movie, Blazing Saddles, 40 Year Old Virgin, Jurassic Park, Usual Suspects, Fight Club, His Girl Friday, The 6th Sense, Pixar movies, and Memento

More to follow;

Hobbes

Indifferent Disillusion

So I thought I was enjoying a compelling daily drama for three weeks but then today I found out it was all a fraud. In one of the most unique Tours since 1986, Floyd Landis fought chronic pain and a blow up during the 16th stage for one of the more improbable wins in history. Now we are faced with the fact that after Landis won stage 17 he tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone. Those of us who watched the race can't be all that surprised, because to lead the race by yourself over 4 mountain climbs does take a certain size of balls that i'm sure would carry some excess testosterone. This story just fuels the larger story of the moral corruption of athletes in anything-to-win society. I personally am left a little bit out in the cold on this story. If the 'b' sample comes back positive and effectively strips Landis of the title, an equally deserving rider will get the honor. Oscar Pereiro came back from 28 minutes down and then proceeded to have the strongest mountain stages and time trials of his career to hold the yellow jersey until the second to last day. Floyd Landis should not take illegal supplements and hormones to make himself better and if he is proven guilty I will be greatly saddened, but ultimately, I just don't care that much. This Tour was marred early by a doping scandal that claimed the top two contendors in the race, Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso, but to understand that this race and this sport is the entire lives of those who compete in it these athletes take risks. The health risk might be one we might not understand, but Floyd Landis has already competed to his peril and in less then a month he will be getting a new hip. So the risk of taking testosterone and throwing his body chemistry out of whack is hardly a leap. This is the exact same mentality that causes CEOs to risk their employees 4o1K programs or comedians to steal material.
By the way, comedians express more dismay when they hear someone steals material, then any person does when a large company has destroyed the lives of thousands American families. Now if you will excuse me, I have a Giants game to watch.

Hobbes

It's Up to You, New York

I've been having weird dreams lately.

But not in my wildest dreams could I foresee such a collective stupidity befalling the city, county and state of New York concerning Alex Rodriguez.

Here are three quick reasons to cheer for A-Rod: He's awesome, he's awesome aaaaaaand, he's awesome.

That's the extent to which I'm prepared to analyze him. Suffice it to say, New Yawkuzz should shut their yappuzz and enjoy the game. Booing him every time he makes an out? Get da fuck outta here.

I will post again

So I have been gone for a good long while. For the zero of you that check this site it has been quite disstressing, and I am sorry about that, but I return to you now with a vigor and material that can last me at least 4 more days of posting. A number of recents events have inspired great enthusiasm out of me that just needed to be expressed in blog form. Not to be confused with expressing myself in pog form. This month in the world of sports alone I have been fully enthralled by;

1. The World Cup
2. Le Tour de France
3. The unnegotiable gap in logic and perception that makes people think that trading Arod is a good idea.

And as I said that is just in sports. Summer movies, personal events, and the start of World War 3 have also littered my thinking this summer, so starting today, I shall get back on the horse. And withe that heroine reference, I depart.

Hobbes

Quick and out...

I watched Cal beat Washington St 43-41 to assure that they will end the day tied with UCLA in first place in the Pac-10. I love Cal Basketball and Pac 10 basketball, but this year sucks. If they get 3 teams in the tourney it will be generous. So I guess all the idiot basketball pundents are right, the best teams are on the east. Almost March... awesome

Hobbes

The Joy of Nailing Your Neighbors

Sophomore year of college my roommate and I had problems with the girls living upstairs from us. It sounded like they were bowling. THUD… followed by that rolling sound. Then, literally, a crash. The walls and ceilings of our dorms were extremely thin, though. We could hear them opening their drawers in the morning, even giggle sometimes. But then the crashing got louder and more and more consistent. If it had been a judo team, there would have been justification. But, one day, it was too constant to stand, so my roommate and I marched upstairs with our whiffle bats to silence the problem.

We found little Vicki standing on a chair, preparing to jump. The ho-bags were doing it on purpose. Jumping off of chairs, running through their room and common area, even jumping on their beds. All to piss us off. In another time and place, my roommate and I might have thought they liked us. In this particular instance, it didn’t really matter. They were obnoxious little twits and we just wanted them to shut the hell up. So, we had sex with them and that shut them up pretty good.

Ah the joy of being petty

So this is a personal post that no one will care about but me. I live in a crappy small apartment, but due to it's location and variety of reasons I really like it. This is why I am sad that I have to move out because I could not find a new roommate. My sadness for moving out is deteriorating quickly, because I have the local JUDO TEAM UPSTAIRS PRACTICING. And this is not a small noise, my sliding glass door rattles like it does during a storm. Fortunately they practice at times of the day when I don't really need it to be quiet, between the hours of 1 and 4 am. This is unbelievable, I am tired, I like to stay awake during these hours and now I can't even enjoy being alone and watching TV. When you ruin TV for me, you are dead to me. So when I move I am going to have a party where the main event of the party is taking big sticks and hitting the cieling with them. I was thinking about using shotguns but that seemed excessive. So to all people on Judo teams who find training to be a very important part of your day, take the ground floor apartment and STOP BEING ASSHOLES.

Pettiness over.

Hobbes

Bodie, Bonds, and the media

So Bodie Miller has failed yet again to be the best at a sport that i spend 47 months out of 48 nt caring about. So why do I care you ask, well I still don't, but a few things have happened to make this a story of note. First, he is a good skiier, it must be night to be privileged white guy who excels at a sport only the rich participate in, but he was american and he'd been winning world cup events, so when the olympics roll around, I know his name. In preparation for the attention he'd be getting he did an interview with 60 minutes where he said he has skiid drunk and would probably do it again. Once again privileged people doing things thye shouldn't under the influence bores me, but this obviously became a story, because of the ever impressionable children that can't wait to emulate their favorite skiier. Then Bodie throws himself on the cross about how the media doesn't like him and how he doesn't care what they think, yada yada yada, and it only gets him in the news more, because he hates the attention so. Finally competition starts and he has finished no higher then 5th and in the combined he was leading until he straddled a gate and was dq'd. Once again, I don't care, but he then says he doesn't care about winning, it's about taking in the olympic experience, which I believe means trying to have sex with the female ice dancers who don't speak english in the olympic village. OK, so the media is unfair to you and its not about winning, so what is this about, well money, but not even money, the image of money which has become so popular since Paris Hilton showed us that their is no shame in being rich. Bodie Miller wants attention, so he says something clearly controversal to a national outlet, then when he doesn't compete to his own standards, thus dissapointing everyone who expected more of him, he attempts to play it off thus infuriating all of those who believed in him. I'm sure when nike started joinbodie.com they expected to have a second half of the promotion where he had stuff hanging around his neck. So Bodie well done, you made me know your name and now I hate that I do, i would have rather never known and then been moderately interested when an american won, like that moe guy... ummm... Tommie Moe. Don't go away mad at the media Bodie, just go away, you and Darva Conger can get your life back together.

Barry Bonds announced his retirement, after next year, unless he doesn't retire, then he has announced nothing. I have no issue with this, except why is a guy who is old and have injury issues talking about what may or may not happen in a year a story. For all who do not like Bonds, it is a feeding frenzy, they get to release all of their anger and vitriol on the player they blame for ruining baseball, for whatever state of ruin it is or not in. For the people who like Bonds, it is one more time they have to engage in boring arguments of integrity, pureness, morality and head size, where people get mad at you simply for defending him with anything that might be confused with objectivity. So first the media blame. They are jealous bitter angry sportswriters who hate people that don't fit their story lines and make their life remotely difficult. They take this story and run with it as yet another example of his ego and his bad attitude. As for Bonds, if he doesn't like the media, then stop talking to reporters, on or off the record, you damn moron. I don't think Bonds is a bad or evil or dumb person, but his handeling of the media in the last few years has been ill-advised at best.

So in closing people who write about sports tend to be short sited angry people with an absurd moral compas that doesn't observe subtlety or nuance, and most athletes don't know how to handle that type of idiocy.

Hobbes